Recently I got into the Travel Channel show "Anthony Bourdain's No Reservation".  How great is it to travel around the world, in search for local delicacies?  Not to mention always having someone there to show where the best eats are...even though there are some that are quite questionable.  Anyways, it got me thinking, I really need to take some time off to travel, to see what the world has to offer, mainly in terms of food and culture.  Although I love food, maybe even sometimes too obessessed at times, it's so hard to find great tasting food, with a listful of food allergies.  Now I won't bore you with what I cannot have...especially if there are those people who are crazy enough to slip one or two of those items onto my plate just to see me use my EPI-pen.  And it almost always seems like those things that appears to be the tastiest are always those things I cannot have.  I wonder if that's why Eve took the apple? 

In the short 3 years that I've working in the Pediatric Intensive Care, I have witnessed numerous children who struggle for dear live, and at the end, it was too much for them.  I try ever hard to separate myself from my patients...but it never truly works.  Already I can think of at least 10 patients whom I've cared for had passed away.  I may no longer remember their names, but I will never forget their faces.  And I think that's what haunts me still.  I've had patients who were less than a month of age, to those who were in their teenage years, all with the same outcome.  Sometimes I wonder what is it that we as healthcare professionals truly do?  Are we just there to prolong the inevitable?  Are we truly helping those in need, or just prolonging the sufferring of those who are dying?  I try to think of it as "we're extending the precious, money will never be able to buy type of memories and time the family can spend with their loved ones."  I remember my grandpa, when he was diagnosed with stage 4 gastric cancer, how every one thought that positive thinking will somehow cure the cancer, and he'll be all better the next day.  No, he eventually passed.  I came into nursing trying to make a difference in one's lives, and although family members tell me how much a difference and how thankful they were for my care, I feel like I'm so useless because I could not stop the inevitable from happening.  Old people are suppose to die, not children.  That's the common thought, but unfortunately it's not true.  In fact, it's so far from the truth that it's now just a measly speck in the universe. 

One of my professor had once told us that during our careers as a nurse we will go through certain stages.  In school we are filled with passion, we want to change the world, or like what my motto used to be "Saving the world...one boo boo at a time."  Now that I think of it, it's been a while since I've used that phrase.  The professor also said that once we begin, in the first few months, we'll doubt ourselves.  Am I truly fit to be a nurse, can I ever take care of someone on my own?  What if I mess up?  I don't have faith in my gut.  Once you're pass that stage, you've gained the knowledge, confidence, and worked out issues with your gut so that it can tell you when you need to follow your instinct.  It should be smooth sailing after that right?  NOPE.  Then comes the stage of helplessness.  Do what I do truly matters?  I can't change anything...why am I still busting my ass off?  What's the point, if they're all end up dying anyways?  I think I'm currently stuck at this stage.  Hopelessness.  Not knowing what I can do to change the course of nature. 

To all the families that have lost loved ones, we as healthcare providers do feel your pain, although in no comparison to what you guys go through, we're crying with you, even if it's on the inside, because we can't let our emotions take over since we still have other patients to care for at the time.  With each patient that passes, the memories whether it was happy or sad stays with us.  Unfortunately for us, death seems like a more common issue that we deal with day to day.  Fortunately for you, death happens only once in a while.  If you guys could only see the little bandages in our hearts, for each of our patients that passed, you'll understand how much it truly affects us as well...even the toughest of us are not immune.  R.I.P. to all those who have passed, you are missed.

Currently I've started the process of looking for my first home.  The journey so far has been taxing.  First, I guess I should tell you guys why I decided to take the first step into home ownership.  Honestly I'm still asking myself this question.  Guess it's not really a good thing that I'm still unsure why I want to purchase a place?  It's not like it's just a car, which I can pay off in a few years, we're talking about 30 years and more.  Am I truly ready for this commitment?  Seeing those around me all becoming or thinking of becoming a homeowner has really made it encouraging that it is a right time to buy.  My currently situation isn't horrible, actually it's quite nice.  I live with my family, rent free, although I help with bills and what not, I basically don't have to tend to much.  My mom cooks and cleans, and I'm basically left to enjoy life.  Although it's hard to leave home, I definitely need to learn to live on my own.  I think it's about time.  I think this is the major motivation for me to move out.  My parents were always against me renting, since it's like pouring money down the drain.  I never saw it that way, until I started looking in my finance and what I would have to pay for a monthly mortgage.  I'm glad that I listened to my parents and didn't throw away 1500/month on rent that went towards nothing. 

Looking at the Real Estate around the area, I've noticed that there quite a few of short sales and foreclosures.  This scares me, if so many people are upside down on their mortgages, is it a right move for me, especially one just one income?  I have friends who are married, but everything they earn goes into their home, which is scary.  Am I comfortable doing that?  Has the housing market really hit its low?  or if I wait a little longer, can I get a better deal?  I know that in reality there really isn't a concrete answer for any of my questions.  So I've took the leap of faith....

So after looking for a handful of homes, I think I found a place that I like...and can work with.  However, it's a short sale, which can take forever.  So far the journey has mainly been a standstill.  I know it's still early, for a short sale, but it's been a month, and still haven't heard from the seller's bank.  So from here on, it's just a waiting game until I hear otherwise.  I guess I really have nothing to lose but time.  I'm trying very hard not to become emotionally attached to it, just in case I don't it in the end, I won't have to be too disappointed.  I have, however, started looking at some of the improvements that needs to be done to the house.  New hardwood floors to the upstairs, getting rid of all the carpets, repaint, new fence, and touch up here and there.  I've also started looking at furniture, realizing that I would only be able to purchase a few things every couple of months.  But that's not getting emotionally attached...is it?

Since starting this process, so many thoughts have been going through my mind.  What happens if I can't meet my mortgage?  I will have to foreclose?  What happens if I'm laid off, I only have one income, what will I do?  There will be so many sacrifice I'll be making for this purchase, am I truly ready?  No more eating out...as frequently.  No more buying on impulse.  No more vacations...ok no more frequent vacations...ok, not that I went on many vacations before, but definitely no more major vacations...in the near future.

People I've talked to have suggested I get a roommate to split some of the cost, and if the price is right, I can even make a profit by buying a home.  But I've never been lucky with roommates.  Maybe I'm just not the roomie type.  But I'll keep that in the back of my head for those "just in case" situations. 

All in all, it's been a good experience.  Making me more focused on my finances, and really putting myself on a budget.  I guess the one upside to this whole wait, is that I'm paying one month less of mortgage.  Gotta stay positive right?  (^_~)v